THE
FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN THE ARMY:
A Private saying, "I learned this in boot camp...."
A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
and a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this shit..."
THE FIVE MOST
DANGEROUS THINGS IN MARINE CORPS:
A Private saying, "I just got the word...."
A Sergeant saying, "Lock and Load!"
A Second Lieutenant saying, "Follow me!"
A Captain saying to an in-bound A-6, "Our position is....."
A Lt. Col. chuckling, "I've seen this shit before...."
The
difference between Infantry, Cavalry and Artillery.
HAPPINESS
IS . . .
Infantry: A good
rifle
Cavalry: A big tank
Artillery: A loud boom
UPON HEARING
FIREWORKS
Infantry: Cool, just
like a live fire exercise
Cavalry: Not loud enough
Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?
OTHER TRADES
Infantry: Waste of
rations
Cavalry: Waste of rations
Artillery: Waste of rations
IDEA OF FUN
Infantry: Not having
to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective
Cavalry: Racing across a grid square on "full stab"
Artillery: Leveling a grid square
FAVOURITE SONG
Infantry:
"Ballad of the Green Beret"
Cavalry: "Purple Haze"
Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!
BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE
FIELD
Infantry: Engineers
blowing trenches for them with C4
Cavalry: Grunts to dig their trenches for them
Artillery: Cable
A LONG ROUTE MARCH
WITH FULL KIT
Infantry: 20 clicks
Cavalry: From the hangars to the tank
Artillery: What's a route march?
OFFICERS
Infantry: Are morons
and should stay away from the trenchlines
Cavalry: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles
Artillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines
FAVORITE MODE OF
TRANSPORTATION
Infantry: Anything
but walking
Cavalry: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. TankstankstankstanksTANKS!
Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?
BIGGEST GRIPE IN THE
FIELD
Infantry: The weather
Cavalry: Coffee maker in tank not working
Artillery: Only having basic cable
BREAKFAST IN THE
FIELD
Infantry: I don't
care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it
Cavalry: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser
Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton's coffee
WHAT THEY CALL
THEMSELVES
Infantry: Death Techs
Cavalry: Cavalry
Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers
Comparison of military operational tactics (Snake model)
Infantry:
Snake smells them,
leaves area.
Airborne:
Lands on and kills
the snake.
Armor:
Runs over snake,
laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation:
Has GPS coordinates
to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
Ranger:
Plays with snake,
then eats it.
Field Artillery:
Kills snake with
massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces:
Makes contact with
snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
Combat Engineer:
Studies snake.
Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL:
Expends all
ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS
kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy:
Fires off 50 cruise
missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake Force projection.
Marine:
Kills snake by
accident while looking for souvenirs.
Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area ofOperations.
Marine Recon:
Follows snake, gets
lost.
Military comparisons of the word "sucks"
An
Army grunt stands in the rain with a 15 kg. pack on his back,
5 kg. weapon in hand, after having marched 15 km, and says, "This
sucks."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands waist deep in the rain with a 25 kg. pack on his
back,
weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 30 km,
and says with a smile, "This sucks just fine!"
A Special Forces soldier lies in the mud, 40 kg pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after swimming 10 km to shore, crawling through a swamp and
marching 40 km at night past the enemy positions,
says with a grin, while biting the head of a snake "This really sucks, I
wish it could suck more....."
An Air Force Pilot flying over the battlefield, the rain is pouring down,
looks down at the soldiers below and says: "Sure sucks down there!"
An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned,
carpeted room and says to his friend, "Man.. Cable's out! This sucks!"
Rules
of a Gunfight
Avoid them like the plague
Be aware of what is going on around you by staying in condition yellow.
Have a plan or two. (If not, a "Last Will & Testament will do.)
Corollary: No plan survives contact with the enemy.
Bring at least one gun (don't bring a knife).
Bring the biggest gun you can handle.
Bring friends (as friendly witnesses or fire support).*
Let close air support or artillery soften-up the target for you.
Make use of available cover.
Remember the difference between concealment and cover.
Don't get shot (Use cover to your advantage).
Place your shots well.
Pay attention to where your shots fall.
"Speed's fine, but accuracy is final."
Don't miss. (You can't miss fast enough to win.)
Never assume your opponent is out of ammo.
Bring lots of ammo.
In combat, you will be scared. You will have a tendency to shoot high. Be aware
of this and aim low.
Rules
of drawing
If you're the bad guy, draw & shoot first.
If you're the good guy, draw second and shoot first.
Never turn your back on an armed bad guy, even if he's down.
Rules
of wounds
A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If you're bleeding to death, say something witty.
If you're actually dying, say something deep.
Rules
of quitting
Don't quit just because you're hit; GET EVEN!
Never quit, period.
There is no prize for second place.
There's no such thing as "unfair advantage."
He who lives to run away will live to run another day (the best strategy is
being somewhere else).
It is better to give than receive (Just like Christmas).
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
If your opponents didn't have the courtesy to
"Count Off!" before beginning, assume that there's one more somewhere.
When the cops pull up, think fast and move slow.
Say nothing afterwards but the Seven Magic Words: "I'd like to speak with
my attorney."
Distribute press releases indicating you target belongs to a cult.*
Drop the one with the shotgun first.
Afterward, alter evidence to favor your position and plan for perjury.*
Use cutesy green-and-purple colored weapons and ammo so the press won't show any
video of your non-evil-looking equipment. Fuzzy rifle-wrap works best.
Insist on at least $50K from tabloid TV producers.
Trouble
with the chain-of-command
A COLONEL ISSUED
THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow
evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area;
an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the
battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In
case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the
theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO
COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the
Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion
area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where
this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75
years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO
LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the
Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's
Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the
Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75
years."
LIEUTENANT TO
SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at
2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet,
something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the
comet into the battalion area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains
tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied
by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in
fatigues."
US
Army telephone answering machine.
We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged.
Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific
crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the
Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of
Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsary Consideration of Others Training,
we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from
the following options: If your crisis is small and is located near the sea,
press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be
solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United
States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630
hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers
requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research
and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey
funnel,bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in
advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is
extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered
by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a
mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY
costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not
required to tell you why, as it is classified
If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be shouted at,
paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles
from civilization, and are prepared to work your ass off, risking your life in
all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode
your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be
answered shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army
Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States
Army!
Faster
than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.
Almost
as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Faster
than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three
working days in advance.
Can
fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.
Can
sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.
Is
dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water
wings.
Talks to walls.
Can be
trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders.
Under
no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely
supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.
Catches
hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium
long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.
Is God.